The Blossoming Brilliance of a Butterfly

Flowers, Chocolate, and Presents Oh My!

2012-02-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

I love Valentine's Day. I love everything about it. The flowers, the chocolates, the food, and the presents would make any woman swoon. And you would think they are the reason for my excitement but you would be wrong.
I was 15 and got dumped on Valentine's Day! It was terrible and it started my lengthy hatred for this sweetest of holidays. Every year after for the next 5 years I wholeheartedly loathed Valentine's Day and tried to ignore it and all the annoying couples celebrating it.
I met David on September 10th of my junior year in college. I was hurt and jaded from a bad breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years. He had cheated on me the month before I met David. I was not looking for a relationship. Funny the things that stay with you. I remember what David was wearing when we met. I remember his passion for God and talking to him for hours. I remember dancing with him. I remember how good looking I thought he was to spite his dorky hat and flip flops that were waaaay too big. I remember how much I liked his truck. I remember how when I introduced myself he already knew who I was and how creepy I thought that was.

You see he had known who I was for over a year. He was roomates with a friend of mine and had heard me sing a solo in a Christmas musical. He had asked about me then. Chris promptly informed him that I was very taken. The night we met started so much in my life, and the beauty of it is I remember so much of it. I always prayed that I would know my husband when I met him. I certianly did. We met around 6 that night and did not stop talking till 6 the next morning. We knew this was something special. I was terrified. Our friends were concerned I was rebounding too fast and we put off dating seriously for 5 months. He kept pursuing me slowly and steadily and would not give up to spite my hesitation and fears. Then we felt ready to move forward around the beginning of February. He said he was going to make Valentine's Day very special and it would signify the beginning of our exclusivity.

He said to pack for a weekend in the metroplex. No I didn't need anything dressy, it was to be a relaxed weekend. We would be spending time in his hometown with his family. I woke up on the Friday morning we were supposed to leave to a very early phone call. There was a delivery for me downstairs that I needed to come and sign for. I took my sleepy self to the bottom of the dorms to find a delivery of beautiful tulips waiting for me. There was also an adorable stuffed dog wearing a red sweater with the words "Happy Valentine's Day Desiree" embroidered on it. I was so excited and if that had been all David had done it would have been wonderful. But he was not done, not by a long shot. We drove to Arlington strait to Ranger's stadium. Our first date had been to a Ranger's game that previous September and he wanted to remind me of how much fun we had so we took a tour of the ballpark. It was pouring down rain and I could not have cared less. We saw the locker rooms, the dugouts, the field, and kissed in the seats. He bought me a tee-shirt to remind me of the day. I was having so much fun and when I asked if we were going back to Mansfield he said it would be a while.
He then proceded to tell me how we were going to this amazing restaurant that night and since he had made sure I had nothing dressy to wear he was going to take me shopping! He bought me a beautiful black and white dress, sparkly shoes that I have to this day as a reminder, a purse, purfume and even jewelry. I was totally overwhelmed! When I asked him why he was doing all of this he said that he was tired of me not knowing how valuable I was and he was determined to show me how much he valued me. He had been saving for this weekend and making plans for it for months. When we went to dinner that night I was walking on air and a very cute pair of heels! We ate at this amazing italian restaurant and the food was incredible. Well, my food was, David ordered shrimp and was served a dish that consisted of 5 small shrimp and nothing more. He tried to play it off and act as though it would fill him up but in the end we laughed about it a lot and went to get him taco bell.

I still have pictures from that night. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I had never been treated so lovingly, thoughtfully, or beautifully before. David won my heart that Valentine's night. We were inseperable every day after that and engaged that December. Our next Valentine's he took me out to dinner and recited his proposal to me since I had been so overwhelmed during it that I had not heard a word he had said!

Each Valentine's gets better. Not because of gifts or chocolate but because from that day to this I have never wondered if I was loved and cherished. David has shown me a million times in a million ways that I am his beloved. To be loved so beautifully and thoroughly is such a rare gift and I am well aware of what a blessing it is. The pain of previous boyfriends and a very difficult relationship with my father all led to my complete misunderstanding of what love should look like. I had no concept of God's love and David told me that he saw it as his job to show me through our relationship how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. It took a long time for me to trust my David fully. Each day is a step in my walk with God to see him as a loving father who wants the best for me and will never seek to hurt me. I would never have gotten to this place without my husband and his overwhelming passion and love for God and for me.
So each year we celebrate our love and the gift we have in each other. I am so grateful that he sought me, pursued me, loved me, cherished me, strengthened me, encouraged me, challenged me, served me, led me and continues to do so to this day. Because of my groom I see what the ultimate groom looks like and he is beautiful.

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!

Labor and Growing Pains

2012-02-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

It is 2am. I am sick. My throat hurts and I can only breath through one nostril. My whole body aches and I cannot move my neck to the right. I am hungry. I am exhausted. I have milk on my shoulder and pee on my shirt. My house is not clean. The laundry is not done. I have never been happier in my life. I am a wife. I am a mommy. I am not who I was just 6 weeks ago. I spent the first 5 and a half months of pregnancy sick and throwing up. He was so tall right before he was born that it was hard to breath. I woke up every night of my last month of pregnancy throwing up stomach acid. I was wondering how I would make it and why all of these women say it is wonderful and worth it. I had no idea what would happen to me or how God would completely change me in a matter of moments.

The pain was worse than I could have imagined. I screamed and cried. I swore I would as least not scream. He came out after only 45 minutes of pushing and Dr. Ehmer practically threw him onto my chest. He was crying and just as I had done for the past 9 months when he was fussy I sang to him. He was 1 minute old and it was all I could think of to do to soothe him. He immediately stopped crying and looked at me with these big beautiful dark blue eyes and all of a sudden I knew. I understood why women say it is worth it. I understood why women say having children is the most incredible experience a person can have. I understood why my husband was excited about children when I was just plain terrified. I understood why he said I would want another one someday even when I said that I would only have this one because pregnancy was so miserable. I understood a world of wisdom in a moment of singing to my beautiful child. Most of all I understood why God sent his son, and why people say you understand the love of God infinitely better when you have children. There is nothing I would not do for him. There is nothing he could do to change my love for him. I would die for him. God loves his children the very same way. My walk with God changed forever in an instant.

One hour after giving birth I started throwing up. My blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and I starting slurring my words. Apparently I was hemmoraging and didn't know it. We had always known it would be a possibility but thought we had taken all the necessary precautions. I was in and out of consciousness for 30 minutes. David was holding Conner and scared to death. He said he kept trying to talk to me and my words were more like gibberish. I lost a great deal of blood. It seems that my uterus did not contract after birth and had been hemmoraging into my abdominal cavity without us knowing it. Dr. Ehmer (the world's greatest doctor!) said he has never run from his office back to the hospital so fast. He and the nurses saved my life. I had no idea how close I came to death till one of the nurses was briefing the next nurse on duty and said to watch me close since they had almost lost me. I almost lost my life and during those scary moments all I could think of was how much I didn't want to leave my husband and son. How much I loved them and wanted to be there for them. Not a lot of people get to have so many a life changing moments so close together but I did. If I would have died to be able to have him in the world it was worth it.

There is so much selfishness that seems to die when looking into the face of your child. I listened to a wonderful sermon recently that talked about how true love is one of sacrifice. How parents sacrifice to give their children what they need. We let go of our desire for nice things so our children can have them. We loose sleep to confort them when they cry. We give time we never thought we had to be there for them. We give up what we want to be sure they can have what they need. God did this for us and I have never been so in awe of the cross as I am now. I asked God about a year ago to turn me into a different person. One who could sacrifice. Once who could love more and better than I thought possible. One who could hear his voice and share his love like never before. One who could serve him through ministry, counseling and writing in a way I had always dreamed. I was pregnant a month later. And I am certian that I want another one. God has a wonderful and ironic sense of humor.

Fighting with a Broken Foot

2010-10-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

I started taking karate. I had always wanted to but it just never happened. This really never bothered me until I took self defense and then I got the fever. Self defense was just such an incredible experience that I wanted to continue building on what I had learned. So I got brave and walked into Troy Dorsey's studio upon the advise of almost everyone I knew who said I should do it. I think a few of them just wanted to see girly Desiree' try to beat someone else up since I might be the prissiest girl on the planet! But to spite all of my reservations here I was standing in the middle of the studio in this bright white uniform looking at my teacher who happens to be this incredible fighter (Troy Dorsey himself) with something like a 9th degree black belt (no idea how you get to that), who has literally knocked people unconscious and I'm scared to death! But he just smiles at me, teaches me the guidelines, and then we are off and running. I learned how to put someone in a headlock, get out of a bear hug, and the best way to hit someone in every sensitive place you could think of! All of this was on my first night in the class! We worked every muscle I had and some I was not aware I had and as we are learning the most effective way to step on someone's foot it dawned on me. I'm a lot braver than I used to be.

Fear has seemed to run my life for more years than I care to admit. I was afraid of failure, loss, hurt, or becoming something I swore I never would. These fears have kept me from doing so much. You see, when you stomp on the foot in exactly the correct way you will break the bones of the foot and most importantly the bones that create the arch. All of the tendons arould these bones support it and allow a person to walk correctly. When this support is damaged and the bones broken a person is incapable of moving and walking correctly. In fact they may never walk the same way again. This seems to have been my situation up to this point. I was letting fear be my motivation instead of God and my passion for what I loved. So much of my life has been spent afraid. Afraid that I will let myself or others down. Afraid that I did not have what it takes to succeed. I don't want to live that way anymore! Its draining! It is true that what we go through changes us. I may never walk the way I once did, after all my foot has been broken many times in the metaphorical sense. But who needs to walk perfectly when you can take someone down simply using the palm of your hand! So as I stepped onto the mat for my second night of karate in my bare feet I felt that firm sense of resolve that says I am much stronger than I look and I will learn how to fight instead of run from what I fear.

I was so sore and tired when I got home that night but I could not stop smiling. My sweet and supportive husband asked how it went and I sweetly said I would tell him if he would rub my very sore arms! So I sat there and explained what we did and how I felt about it as he worked a very large knot out of my left arm. Then I went and soaked my tired feet and talked to God. This was not simply a way for me to go out at night by myself without being afraid, this was being able to walk when wounded and fight through fear.

Now if only they would make a pink karate uniform! Yes, others would laugh, until they had to fight me!

Summer in Texas Makes Me Want to Live in Canada!

2010-05-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

Summer in in the air. You can see it everywhere you look. Its in the blooming flowers, annoying spiders and bugs, and of course the sweltering heat! I spend twice as much on hair products, sunscreen, and detergent to combat this most unbearable of seasons! Yet, I have always loved summer for one singular reason, it always meant freedom! Not so much now that I am an adult. I am not someone who likes heat, I don't like to sweat, and in this humid weather taming my curly hair is nearly impossible.
I am certian I was made for colder weather, as evidenced by the fact that if I spend more than 10 minutes in the sun I burn and blister. Each time I step into the Texas heat, watch my makeup melt off my face, or put lotion on a fresh sunburn I am reminded that I deeply desire to live in cold weather. I know I am unusual and yet I will admit that there is something to be said for feeling the sun on your face (as long as it is coated in a thick layer of sunscreen!). I only like to feel this feeling when at a Rangers baseball game or in my favorite case, sitting by the pool. In the last few years it was sitting by the pool that I had such sweet times with God. All is quiet and I am warm and comfortable. There is no where to go and nothing to do. I am still on these rare occasions and God begins to speak softly to my racing thoughts and seemingly endless worries.
It would seem that God has always had a way of speaking to his children in the most painfully unbearable of conditions. I believe it is when we are most desperate and likely to listen. No, sitting by the pool is not painful for me, that is unless I forget to reapply the sunscreen! But its very warm and I am very still. His children wandered in the desert, and his son was tested in the wilderness. It would seem that God uses heat to raise our awareness of who he is. This happens physically, emotionally and spiritually to all of us. In Isaiah, chapter 48 the Bible says "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction."
Maybe that is why I dislike heat so much. I run so hard to avoid pain. I do not run like I once did. In some cases I even face it head on and work through it. But every fiber of my being has the desire to flee from painful circumstances. Sadly, this is when I hear God the best and am now finding myself once again in need of lingering a little longer in the presence of the Son. I need a fresh word from God on life, relationships, and my future. In his presence it is warm, peaceful, not peaceful as the world defines it but a peace that surpasses all understanding. It even surpasses my inevitable sunburn if I linger in his presence so long that I forget to put on more sunscreen!
So, summer, as much as I detest you for the most part. You are a season that I must endure and if I'm smart, learn to enjoy because you speak through all seasons!

A Warm Bed and a Restless Mind

2010-04-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

I lay in my warm bed half awake as I hear the alarm go off. I take a deep breath and crawl further under the covers. In these moments I lay there in the peace and quiet and hear God speak softly to my heart. And my heart is desperate for God to speak and give me a new perspective on just about everything. Lately my mind and heart have been so restless. I long so deeply for free time and the chance to finally do what I love on a daily basis that it has begun to take its toll on my spirit, my attitude, my relationships and just about everything else. My sweet husband tries to help and I love him for it but but the restlessness continues.
So, like a good counselor, I reflect on all the things that could be causing this problem. I pray. I talk. I sit in silence. I talk to my husband. I talk to my mom. I even talk to myself. I cry. I eat. I shop (much to my husband's frustration!). Yet, here I sit restless. I know we all go through seasons where we want to be somewhere else and there is nothing we can do about it. But how do we deal with this impatience that begins to puncture a relatively healthy mindset? I guess the answer lies in the question. Christ said that he gives us peace, but not as the world gives it. So if he gives us peace that looks different than the peace of the world then we cannot seek it the way we do everything else. I often find myself seeking God for answers and at this time there really are no answers to be had. I am in a time of waiting and I must walk through it. So I must now seek God simply for who he is. As my wise husband once said, " I hope you didn't marry me for what I can give you, I hope you married me because you love me and want to be with my always. That is how we should see God." Wise man my husband, what he was saying is that I must seek God to simply sit in the joy of his presence and the beauty of being near him.

So today I woke up and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I layed in my warm bed and cried out for God to change my heart and give me his perspective and most of all his presence. I got up and got dressed in the beautiful silence of God's presence. I walked outside and smelled the fresh spring air. The unrest still lingers but I ask God to speak to my heart and quiet my mind. To give the peace that only he can give. My circumstances will be no different today. I will go to class and move one day closer to graduation. But I believe that my mind must be in a better place because right now I hear God's voice above all the noises that fill my day and his peace surpasses my understanding. You see unlike the world's temporary peace God's peace is complete and perfect.

Easter Eggs and the Empty Tomb

2010-04-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year. There is such a sense of renewal. There is so much joy and all the tough and painful situations don't seem as important when we focus on the constant love and compassion we are crowned with because of Christ. Yes, we buy new Easter dresses, take pictures, hunt eggs filled with chocolate if we are lucky, and we eat A LOT!!! Some say that to celebrate in these ways may be silly; but for me each beautiful part of the celebration is a joyful reminder of the gift given and the peace that surpasses all understanding. There is a similar celebration at Christmas. For me Christmas holds a beauty all its own but its Easter that seems to set my mind and heart at ease in a way I'm not certian I can describe.

I will never forget seeing the passion of the Christ and watching all the painful acts he had to undure. Yet what sticks out most in my mind is not his crucifixion. It was the moment when he sat up and just walked out of the tomb. At that moment all of the pain, hurt, fear, humiliation, agony, weight, longing, loss, and seperation were swept away. I think this is why I love the resurrection so much. In my life it is what I have walked through and been broken by that I always thought mattered so much. But as I look back it seems that it is the moments that I realize there has been a victory and I am walking in it that makes the most impact. Sadly, I don't realize the victory has taken place till weeks or even months after and I am deeply sad. During all of that time I walk through life as though I am still in a broken and useless season. For months God will have been trying to tell me that I am free and I am so consumed by the pain that I was in that I neglect to walk in the healing provided.

There is no mistaking that on this day healing was provided. But healing was not the only thing provided. It was healing, relationship, and love provided once for all and the only way I could imagine Christ going through it all without calling the angels down to stop it is that he knew the victory that had already been won simply by him coming to earth. We were given a chance to be in constant communion with our creator and to know what love truly is. Then we are able to share this incredible love with every person we come in contact with including our family, friends, spouse and hopefully ourselves! My continual healing is always at hand and always available. To walk in it may be a battle but Jesus walked through life, temptation, betrayal, torture, and death. Then he walked out of an empty tomb to show me how to walk and then run the race he has laid out before me. So we walk one day at a time, some days we run, some we crawl but we take comfort in the fact that Jesus did the exact same thing. My Savior is risen and he walks with me for all eternity. Now I'm off to enjoy the beauty of Easter eggs and an empty tomb!

Saving Face with the Generic Brands

2010-04-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

In the name of saving money and getting our priorities in order David and I took a long hard look at what we spent our money on. Some things we think we need we really don't. Some things we think we need are bad for us. Some things we need we do truly need. And then there are the things that we use that are still good but cost less. These are the generic brands that keep our lives running and money in our pockets. I love generic brands. They are like saving money without sacrificing. Some of these generic brands are even better than their more expensive counterparts. It is with this knowledge that I chose to try a different facial cleanser to save us a big chunk of change. My husband smiled when I said I would try this. He knows my fear of having acne again. Which is why in the almost 6 years of knowing me he never gave me a hard time about using clinique. It helped my skin and therefore my outlook.

This may seem silly but for me to try a new facial routine is extremely nerve racking. I struggled and from time to time still struggle with acne. For anyone who has ever struggled with this it is unthinkable to switch from a product that works to one that we are unsure of. Our face is what we show the world. We want it at its best. We want to be beautiful. As women being beautiful is extremely important. We want to be admired, sought after, and pursued. What is my point you might ask. Well I'll get to it. I tried the generic brand of facial cleanser. I just knew it would not work. Well I was wrong. It did work and my face is in even better shape than it was using clinique. What I was using was too harsh on my skin and for years I have been dry and itchy. Acne free but dry and itchy. Often the nourishment we seek is found in the simple things that have been there all along that we thought we were too good for.

The simple things of God are what grow and change us the most. Yet, they are the things that we cannot seem to find time or energy for. Sitting in silence, listening to a still small voice, reading the simple yet complex and powerful words of a God who loves us. For these things we often cannot be bothered. And then we find these things become essential to our ability to progress and suddenly we are willing to try them. The results are incredible as they always are and so we continue in them for a while. Then like God's children in the desert we grow weary of the things that are good for us and long for the things that held us captive. No, clinique is not the egyptian pharoah holding me captive. Yes, I might be stretching this a bit. But for me it makes sense and I see it every single time I look in the mirror.

A Fresh Face & a New Perspective

2010-03-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

At the end of each day I go about the same routine. Sometimes the routine begins later than others depending on how much homework I have but the routine is always the same. I take off my makeup, I lather up my face, let it sit for a minute until I begin to feel that the days dirt has been diluted. Then I rinse off the soap, use a toner to feel fresh and clean and moisturize. Finally I sit in front of a fan and feel the cool air on my clean face. This is one of my favorite times of the day. I can finally relax from all of the days work, I'm in my pajamas and all of the concerns of the day begin to fade. As I look closer I see the inconsistancy between what I do to take care of my outside while almost totally neglecting my inside. The food I eat is so random and mostly unhealthy with very little concern for what is best for my body and instead a selfish desire for what tastes good at the moment. Why the glaring contradiction? There are so many reasons, excuses, and choices that go into why I do what I do. None of which seem to make a great deal of sense. Sadly, it would seem that my choices with food mirror my relationship with God much more than my care for the outside. My skin, my hair, my clothes are all well thought out and planned and yet what matters most is treated badly and neglected.
So, now I am reading a book on what is best to put into your body and frustrating my husband that there is no longer garlic bread; but at least its a start. Being strong and healthy physically and spiritually are linked I believe. They are not simply a lifestyle that comes naturally to all. For me it is a daily choice to be good to myself and those I love.As I learn to love what is best for me I find myself wanting to read the word of God more, pray more, and find that silence is not as scary as it once was. Does that mean that if we all eat better we will be closer to God? I don't know. But it seems to be helping me get closer to God, and have healthier skin, and my clothes fit again! It would seem that what Christ spoke of is true. When we are clean on the inside the outside takes care of itself.

Snowball Fights and Snow Days in Texas

2010-03-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

POP! That was the only thing I heard as the snowball the size of my husband's feet hit me right in the ear! When I turned around to see where the snowball came from all I could see was the wisp of bright red hair of one of our Church's preteen boys as he ran away as fast as he possibly could. Normally this would frustrate me, after all he was messing with the hair! But this time I could not help but join in. We chased each other, threw snow, fell down, and laughed so hard that we could not tell if it was the cold weather making us breathless or all of this running around. My husband and all the preteens were pummeling each other with snowballs as we waited for their parents to arrive after a conference we had taken them to. I had been so excited about the foot of snow that had fallen at record speed for the past 2 days. School, work, and almost all other activities had been called off or canceled and I was forced to do nothing but stay indoors and spend some much needed time with my sweet husband. I was ecstatic! Then life hit and we were forced to run errands, make phone calls, and return to life as we knew it and I was finding myself disappointed and a bit cranky. I tried not to show my crankiness but that never seems to work. I had told my husband that I really wanted to just be at home with him and play in the snow. And as I stood there in the cold with a dozen preteens and snowballs flying I realized that sometimes God gives us something even better to help us realize that Pop! His plans are much better than ours! I went home that night covered in snow, tired, relieved of my anxiety, and happily holding my husband's hand.

Being Grateful

2010-01-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

I was driving to work and found myself singing at the top of my lungs. I had not done that is so long, not because I had no reason to but because I was worried that my reasons for being happy would suddenly disappear if I rejoiced over having them. I had forgotten how to be grateful, or should I say I was afraid of being grateful. Recently I heard Priscilla Shirer (my hero) say that even the strongest believers go through desert seasons and stop expecting God to move. I had found myself in that very position. I had lost sight of how big God was, how strong his love for me is, and how much I had let pain alter my perspective. It was about this time that I met with my mentor and shared my feelings with her. I was sharing with her that I feel like faith is something I don't have much of. Then she tells me that I should keep a journal and read about what amazing things God has done for me in the past. I used to journal all the time and for some reason I don't anymore. Then I asked her what she goes back to when she is lacking faith. She opened my spiritual eyes by telling me that the greatest time she has ever had with God was during the darkest time of her life. She knew that there was no way she could have made it through all of that pain without God holding her every single minute. What she said startled me and reminds me every single day that trails are something to be grateful for. . I desperately needed a new perspective and had been praying for it for some time. That is when I found myself singing in the car. I was grateful for so many things, to spite my fear, I was able to praise God. He moves in the most amazing way when we are hurting and at our worst. My mentor was right, I would not have become who I am, grown the way I have, and realized all that I needed to if it were not for the hardest times in my life. I have found it is those time that shape me the most and reveal the desperate need for God the most. Maybe those times are the one's we need the most, since they usually draw us so close to God. Now that is something to sing about.

Growing into Me

2009-09-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that when I started this blog how perfect the name of it was. In the past 3 years since I started this new journey it would seem so very fitting. I have grown a great deal and learned a few things. Sometimes life is much more like a nightmare than a dream. There are things that you go through that you never thought you could survive until one day you look up and see that you did, with your limbs, if not your dignity, intact. You may not always hear, see, or feel God. But he continues to listen to, watch, and hold you through all of the numbness. I always thought of hope as a feeling, now I believe it is a lot more like love, it too is a choice. All your relationships change and that is healthy.

Your marriage grows and becomes a beautiful picture of the way Christ loves the Church. I never thought David could love, serve, strengthen, and bless me any more than he already has. And yet when I felt like God was not there it was David there reminding me that God grieves with me and always comforts and holds me in his hands. I pulled away from who I thought I was and found a new perspective. David let me hurt, cry, pull away, and push away from everything and everyone and said just let me hold you and when you are ready I will he here to talk.

I looked at family in a new way. True family never tells you that you are not enough, or that you are a failure. They may drive you nuts, try to help too much, and even hurt you without realizing it, but they will be there through it all and stand beside you in the rain. I have been so angry at my family I thought I would explode and soon I found that it passes with an apology or a joke meant to say that they are sorry. Forgivness is truly a process. Thoughtless words should be given just that no thoughts. My mom is my greatest fan, and I'm pretty sure my sister is a close second (excluding David that is)! When you feel like the world or your friends don't get you or want more than you can give, it is family that reminds you of your worth, tells you that you are enough, and speaks life into the hurt caused by others. Most of all I have learned that family is not defined by blood or marriage alone but by the love and care of one person to another. In my life this has come in many different forms from a loving mother, a sweet brother, someone in my lifegroup that really saw me, a friend who is more like a sister, a mentor, a family friend who can tell the state of your heart by the look in your eyes, and especially the younger girl I mentored in college that now speaks love into my life.

I look at friendship differently too. When you are in college you have a ton of friends and those closest to you get so much attention. Then you commit your life to your spouse, and move away, and put down new roots, and work, and work some more and go to grad school, and work in the church, and suddenly without meaning to or realizing it you are no longer the person they once knew and are wondering how to be that girl again. Then you realize, with much relief that you will never be that girl again and that is ok. Friends only last if they are family. The relationship will not always be perfect but you know that when it is all said and done no matter what you do they will defend you, love you, forgive you, encourage you, release you of their expectations, and stand beside you as any true friend would, or should I say family. The idea is not to be able to tell the difference.

The world takes on a whole new look as you start to listen to the voices of those that know you instead of the one's that think they do. You see the pain behind the smiles and reach out to help and be helped. You want to do more than be happy, you want to be the difference, not just different. My passion for helping people, defending those who cannot defend themselves, teaching, speaking, and most of all writing are gifts, not something to be feared. You will never make everyone happy, you will not even make the one's you love happy all the time! You will fail, usually miserably, and realize that it hurts, humiliates, and aches but won't break you. Your career should be that which you love most and jobs don't matter as much as what you love. Then if or when you loose the job you still have what you love. I think I want my career to be Christ follower, wife, mother, writer, defender, teacher, sister, daughter and many other things that cannot be measured in dollars. I want to be powerful, free, strong and well loved. These are not earned, these are gifts from God that can never be taken from you. These things will last through the pain, rain, change and loss. Like a wonderful husband, an amazing family, or a talent for seeing and writing about life.

Pink Shoes in a Pretty Closet!!!

2009-07-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

I love to organize. Those close to me know this best as evidenced by my color coordinated closet, jewelry, shoes, purses, and many more items. My bed may go unmade for days, but my closet will look amazing! After all, I plan to get right back in my bed for a nap so why make it for just a few hours, it seems like such a waste to me! But organizing my surroundings makes me feel like things are in order when the world is so full of disorder. I usually wait till my room is terribly disorganized and then get to work. This also usually happens during a time of great stress. Within a couple of hours of putting things back into their rightful place (along with a bit of chocolate!) my mind begins to defrag and I regain my clarity.

As I was cleaning out my closet the other day looking at clothes that I now do not want, and once just had to have no matter what, I realized a few things. The things we think we need so badly are usually the things that we look back on as something that ended up hurting us, our relationships, our finances, and especially our walks with God. Many of the things I thought I needed most in my life ended up being terrible for me. I would beg, plead, and bargain with God to get what I was so sure I needed, and when I was finally given these things that I was so focused on instead of him I ended up losing them, being hurt by them, or hating them. When I look back on all these posessions, relationships, or positions I just had to have I feel like I am looking at the pile of clothes I am giving away. They gave me temporary happiness and were quickly gone from my mind and replaced as they lost their fit, or were ruined by a great spaghetti dinner (I make a pretty great spaghetti sauce if I do say so myself). It seems that the things that I seemingly stumble upon are what end up being the things that last and mean the most. These things I cannot take credit for because God wanted me to see them for exactly what they were, a gift. I met my husband by "accident" after ending a relationship that I was just so certian would lead to marriage, stumbled upon my greatest passion while being educated for something else. Finding a job I love, working with a dear friend, doing exactly what I never thought I would do again, after 2 years of looking for a high paying job that ended up breaking my heart and leaving me without a job for nearly a year. And lets not forget the greatest "accident" of my life when a friend of mine in 8th grade invited me to church to see a boy I liked and met the lover of my soul and the Savior of my life.

There are some classic things that I still keep in my closet no matter how many years pass or how much changes. These things, funny enough hardly cost me a thing and were given to me out of love. Ironically enough most of these items are pink, as it should be! My favorite pair of pink shoes that cost all of 15$ and will be worn till they fall apart as I'm walking, that gorgeous pink sweater Melanie gave me for Christmas that lasts and lasts no matter what I do to it, and a beautiful pink Bible I stumbled onto while buying a book for school. As I put these old clothes into the donation pile I am filled with sense of joy because I finally see what God has been patiently trying to show me for all of these years. Instead of waiting on God to give me what I need I have been trying to give myself what I thought I needed. These are not gifts but painful barriers that I put between myself and God. I am once again reminded that every good and perfect gift comes from above. After all he is the only one who knows exactly what we need, when we need it. From the pink shoes to the handsome prince I now call my husband the greatest things in my life are always given to me from a loving a generous God, and almost never something I earned. Though don't let that stop you from trying to find the perfect gift for my quickly approaching birthday!!!

The Family We Choose

2009-05-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have heard and read many times that there is the family we are born into and then there is the family we choose. The family I chose actually chose me. We stumbled onto each other at the time when we needed each other most. Over 4 years ago I met my husband, over 6 years ago the women I call my brothers and sisters. Since knowing these people my life has not been the same. We truly grew up together, found out what love and life are about, and most of all who God is. I stayed up late the other night talking to Dani, one of my sisters, feeling that it is ok to disagree with her, challenge her, cry with her, and ask all the hard questions. She and I have gone through much together, and still after it all there is a peace in knowing that a real friend, is actually family. They will let you hurt, speak truth when its hard, give you the space you need to mourn, love you deeply, correct you, and most of all pray for you. You may be far apart, hurt each other, bless each other, and will still come back together as though no time has passed. If this is not family is I don't know what is. I know not where these amazing people and I will end up or what growing pains we will endure. But I do know that wherever it is, we will be, above all else, family.

The Joy of Giving Up.....

2009-03-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

Months and months of planning go into a wedding. You get so accustomed to making everything perfect, just the way you want it. Life, in my organized mind should be this way. In reality it is a beautiful, complicated, painful, joyful mess. On my honeymoon I had a sort of breakdown after planning for so long and having all of that stress gone. Why is it so hard to drop all of our bestlaid plans into the strong capable hands of God? In my life its like taking something from the hands of a stubborn baby. They hold on so tight to the object of their desire having no idea that it is not meant for them, could even hurt them, and the time to have it is years down the road. If we try to take hold of something outside of its time it only leads to having it ripped from our grasp to save us from ourselves. This has been my life for the past 2 and a half years. Just because there are great things in front of us, plans made by us, by those we love, and especially by God, does not mean we take it without asking God what its there for. Our gifts in our hands usually end up broken, like a child who is given a delicate doll at too young an age. The last clear thing I remember God saying before the storm started was that my dreams were going to take time because I needed to learn to let go. Then when the storm hit I was so surprised that it came I forgot to listen to anyone, especially God. When your caught outside in a heavy storm all you hear is the thunder and deafening rainfall as you run for cover, usually without any protection overhead. You reach your destination soaked, cold, and usually sick! This is exactly what happened to me. I stepped outside of God's will and his umbrella of protection and got soaked! The pain went from bad to worse as my anger, bitterness, frustration, and disappointment grew with each day as my understanding of God and his character grew blury. Eventually I had walked so far off course that what was meant to grow and strengthen me has only served to make me doubt everything! Eventually my doubt brought me to my knees so many times that all I could do was abandon my expectations of who I thought God was and of who I was. Funny thing is that was what I needed to do 2 years ago to see clearly what was happening. I was driving home one night and yelling to God how much it all hurt, and how angry I was at him. Then I said, I just don't know who I am anymore, and I'll never be myself again! Promptly answered with I don't want you to be the same, I want you to be a new person!
It all hit me so clearly at that moment that all my tears dried up and I sat there (still driving) and in shock at my ignorance. Soon my heart and attitude about life changed in a way that I never thought possible as my life was filled with more hope and gratitude than I had ever been capable of before. Who knew giving up would be so great! When I prayed there was peace, the wall was gone, and finally I heard God, not as a child but as a woman.

Getting a Suntan in a Rainstorm

2008-08-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

I turned 24 this week and there was nothing really special about it except the year it represented. All the years before has a lot of meaning behind them. When you turn 16, its a license, 18, means your an adult, 21 means you can drink, not that any of us would do that!! And then the next few years seem to blur, but its in these years that real growth takes place. In the past year so much growth has taken place in my life that I scarcely know where to begin. My sweet family made this birthday so incredible that as I look around at them and the experiences of the past year I am forced to say that I am now grateful for the growing pains. I got a present every day for a week before my birthday from David, they were all small with the exception of a few, but by the end of the week as I looked each day at how much thought he had put into what I wanted and how much better he knew me this year that the last I was so blown away. Things I had only mentioned once he had really listened to and heard my heart on. By the time my birthday came I felt like royalty and was floating on air! We got up on my birthday, went to lunch and then I went and spent some quality time in my in-laws pool, just me and Melanie's dog Betsey. Its funny, how this year my birthday fell on a wednesday and all those closest to me either had to work, or were out of town so I sat by myself and let the pool relax me to the point of falling asleep.
When I woke up I was so relaxed and the water was so warm that I just began to talk to God as I never had before. After months of asking him to hear me, of asking to hear him, of feeling so much and so little all at the same time there was a settling in my spirit as I looked back with the Lord on what he had brought me through in my 23rd year and it is a miraculous testimony to his love, kindness, and ability to bring me back time and again from the worst of pits. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the Lord's presence, as I floated around the pool not caring which way I floated and then I looked up and it was as though the sky was split strait down the middle. One side was gorgeous clear blue with puffy white clouds, while the other was dark gray with looming dark clouds heavy with rain. Normally I would be upset, but I had been in the sun for several hours and though the clouds were moving in the air had cooled and my face had stopped burning. So, I just smiled and realized the beauty of this situation. It was perfect symbolism for my year. I has so many storms that loomed overhead, chilling the air and threatening to ruin what I wanted. But, in the end, I still had a beautiful time, a beautiful story and through it all I could feel the warmth of the Son on my face. I even got a little color/burn on my cheeks, even if I did have to reapply sunscreen twice, after all, the enemy doesn't fight fair, but God always shines through in the end.

I Am in Need of a Wedding Dress Once Again...

2008-07-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

I had to have surgery again for the second time in 5 months, but I wasn't all that surprised or upset this time. For months before my wedding I thought my family would be able to give me this extravegent, expensive, glamorous, over the top wedding so anything less seemed disappointing. Then as the day grew closer and it became more and more obvious that this would be impossible I realized that my expectations and dreams that I had always had for my wedding were crumbling. I mourned these childhood bridal dreams for weeks, wondering how in the world I would start my future off right without marble in bathrooms at the reception?!?! I then had a conversation or 6 with my mother-in-law, future husband, and several of my girls about what a beautiful wedding really was. The reality of it was a beautiful wedding is one in which the Bride and Groom are in love with God, each other, and are seeking to fulfill God's will in their life together. I had lost sight of what a real marriage was meant to be and needed reminding. As I became more aware of what it meant to truly be God's Bride, and David's, God's provision showed up in a way I did not expect and my wedding was beautiful. It was actually more than I had ever dreamed it could be, but I had to release my ideas, my plans, my desires, and then came the white dress I had always dreamed of. It was sparkly, flowing, and I looked just as I had always imagined I would, but the funny thing was I wasn't looking at me, I was looking at David. Our marriage was what I should have been focusing on all that time and finally getting my eyes off the details and onto a relationship.
Now I'm back in that place once again. I am so worried about the details of my life, the one that seem to be so imperfect, so off track, that the relationship that means the most is completely off. This time my mother-in-law, my husband, and my girls have all talked to me but it would seem that I need something that they cannot give me. I need to see God move, but I guess he wants to change my way of looking at the world, at relationships, at my calling, and most of all at Him. Can you really see what someone is trying to tell you, who they are, or where the relationship is going, whether with God or a loved one, if you don't see them for exactly who they are, ya know, without all the bells and whistles, just you, and them (and of course the sparkly dress)?

I'm Tired of Sucking it Up

2008-06-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

What do you do when it seems like every part of your life is a question? I have felt for so long that I am floating through the air with no direction, no ability to discern what move to make next, or if what I believe I'm supposed to do is actually what God has planned. It is though I have been blindfolded, and left in a dark room with no door knobs. I vaguely hear voices in the distance telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, saying all the things I should think, feel, or have the courage to do, telling me that they have all been there, that I'm not alone, telling me to listen and if I would only do all the things that they tell me then I would feel better no matter how bad the circumstances.
This has not worked for me so far, in fact, all I feel like doing is saying to all of these loving and well meaning people is, I do feel alone, no I don't think you understand, no, you have not been exactly where I am, and yes, I love you even if I have a really hard time showing it. Please, just tell me that your sorry that I'm hurting and that you love me. Most of the time I need someone to comfort me. I am so tired of advice, and it does not mean I don't want their imput or advice at all, it just means I don't always want to hear that I need to suck it up. When you feel alone, most of the time, you end up wanting just that. I am so worn out on hearing my loved ones tell me that when God teaches me all that he wants to, when I am listening just right, when I stop fighting, when I become content in all that I'm going through that it will all get better. That may never happen! Where does that leave me?!
I used to want to go out, cook, clean, spend time with family, go shopping, and in these recent months as my ability to fight off the attacks of the enemy has grown weaker, I have desired these things less and less. I was finally able to spend some time with my Mom this past week and was able to see the glimpses of who I know I am. I know that all this stress and pressure have brought out things in me that I would never see otherwise, but when do the blessings mingle in with all of the pain? I have worked the past couple of days on trying to focus only on the day and not all the looming questions ahead of me, but its so hard. I know I will get back to a place with God that I can hear his voice again, it just seems so far away. I try so hard to hear my loved ones, but with all of their voices, its hard to figure out which one is God's.

Friends and Weddings

2008-06-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

What an incredible weekend I spent with my husband and my friends. It was so full of emotion, love, laughter, fellowship, joy, and many other feelings that have no words. There is just something about being in a wedding of someone you love that brings out the best and worst in all involved. I saw such kindness and sacrifice as we all made sure that everything was perfect. I has many urges to do what I wanted to, but all were forgotten when I realized that Dani needed me. I enjoyed so much seeing her join her life with Chris's life and it brought back so many memories of my own wedding. David and I could not stop staring at each other all weekend as we were taken back to our wedding day just over a year earlier.

The beauty of seeing two of God's children join their lives and dedicate their lives to each other and to his service is one of the most beautiful sights I have ever been blessed to witness. These beautiful women who love God so much and have so much passion to serve him are some of the most amazing women I have ever known. This Danielle, This Cecilia, This Joy Renee', This Katherine, and I are all allowed to know bring such blessings to each other lives and when we are around each other something very beautiful happens. It is as though a part of us comes alive that is not when we are not around each other. I never laugh as hard or feel as encouraged as when I am around these women and when one of us gets married it brings such joy that I can only praise God for how beautiful he is. No friendship is truly a friendship unless you know these things for certian, that the person loves you, that even if you hurt each other there is forgiveness, that there is trust, and you can laugh with, confide in and pray with each other. I have found this to be true about these incredible women along with my incredible husband. I am blessed beyond measure.

The Beauty of Marriage

2008-05-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

There are some moments in marriage that make all other moments in life seem utterly unimportant. My favorite times in my whole life have been with this incredible man that God has given me. I look at all of the moments in my life when I really felt like God moved, when I really felt the Lord speak and heard his voice and the most incredible of these have all been since the day I met my husband. I look at him and see so many things. I see such love, kindness, beauty, light, patience, an incredible sense of discernment, a depth to his walk with God that inspires me and challenges me so much and on top of all of this there is such a rich connection. A connection so strong that at times there are no words to describe it, and sitting here now I find that these words are still not enough. I tend to look at the bad in most things, what I call realistic, my husband call pessimism. But when I look at him, yes, I can see the flaws, but they are of no consequence. I see the beauty in life, the good in the world, what hope can look like(something I usually lack), and all that I want to be when I am in David's presence. What I find so compelling is that when I am in his presence he leaves me wanting to do nothing but be in God's presence. I believe there is no greater blessing outside of a relationship with my Lord Jesus that to be loved this way. I am forced now, to look through all of the hurt of the past months through the eyes of this love, and its picture is much more beautiful that I realized. God has so many things to teach me through a union that is meant to look like his relationship with the church. I am truly a blessed woman, because my marriage does look this way, even with all of its flaws, I know what it means to be loved, and loved well.

Mean Girls

2008-05-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

I think I was lured into a false sense of security. I was starting to think that things were going well with the women around me, but I forgot about one very important fact, there are bullies everywhere. There is always someone within almost every group who does not like others to be happy and will do almost anything to ruin that. I really felt that I was starting to make progress at work and that the girls were really starting to feel good about themselves. I saw such amazing changes in how they interacted with each other, they all seemed to care so much and had begun to let go of old grudges and then....the bullies. They seem to thrive on breaking up good relationships, intentionally hurting people for the very satisfaction of it, and have no true depth to their own relationships. I found myself being so angry, that I forgot to realize who my fight is with. My fighting all these months against pain, against people who hurt other people, against people who hurt me, against discomfort, against loss, but they all came anyway.

I had to realize something that I still have a hard time believing. These things will always come, and I have something new to learn from them each time they do. There are different reasons they come, to produce spiritual growth, an attack from the enemy, to produce humility or bring awareness of our desperate need for God, and many others. Over the past year these troubling situations have come into my life for all of these reasons. I desire to learn things so much, but have this crazy need for things to be logical. The trouble with this being that when God moves in our lives or asks us to do something it is almost never logical, God's logic is not ours. All that to say that when people do and say terrible, demeaning, and devisive things I can let it produce a varying number of results. These mean people, or bullies, allow the enemy to use gossip, malice, and anger to inflict any number of attrocities on those around them. Yet, if we look closely we can allow it to change our hearts and minds in ways that these bullies nor the enemy could expect. I can react to them with love, even it takes some time to calm down first! Because in truth, they do not know who they are and are not secure with who they are even if the do have some understanding of themselves.

I, on the other hand, with all my insecurities, do know who I am, I am God's daughter. With this understanding I am trying to approach these hurtful people because they are people who deserve our pity. They make me so angry, so hurt, so livid when they attack me and try to ruin my witness, but in the end, they are just people desperate to keep everyone's eyes on other people's flaws and away from their own. It also makes me think about how I react to others criticisms and corrections, do I throw everyone elses eyes to other peoples flaws or take this observation and look at it without attacking others. Though I do not always react well to correction, I hope to learn to avoid at all costs to not hurt others just because I am. The world does not need any more bullies, it has too many already.

Bouncing Back

2008-05-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

I had thought my heart was having the hardest time bouncing back and wasn't paying much attention to it with all that has been going on lately. After all who has time to think about healing with being in grad school, tons of homework and papers, working full time, helping out at the church, and working hard to be a good wife and occasional friend!! Then I went to Howard Payne for graduation and spent some time relaxing. I cuddled with my husband, had deep conversations with my girls, laughed with them about lingerie and being married and ended up seeing myself again. I had felt for a very long time that I had become so hurt and broken that I no longer had a grasp on what it meant to be a woman of God, to be Desiree'.
Then I was sitting there talking to Lexi and Cory and they asked me how I was dealing with all the hurt and suddenly I found myself speaking of God in a way that I never had before. I spoke of heartache and hurt so deep that those I spoke to were moved to tears though I was not, I spoke of forgiveness that only God the Father could do within me, and a deep desire to be victorious not only for myself but for all other women who have endured the same pain that I have. Cory is this tough and burly guy, used to being around convicts, and when I spoke of forgiving someone like that, he just bowed his head and smiled unable to speak. I finally realize that God is making me into a warrior. A fierce and beautiful warrior that will lead other warriors through journeys so amazing that we will only be left standing in awe. I know that for any truly hard job a great deal of determination, preparation, and labor is involved to become ready for what lies ahead. For what lies ahead is victory, and it comes to those willing to work for it. I have fought for a very long time against working so hard, it hurts so badly to do so. But, I feel a deep burden for other women, as though my victories are not just my own, but a victorie that we all must face. If I am not willing to fight for my own heart, my own future, my own needs and identity, then I will never be able to help them fight for their own. And my heart would always feel a longing within.

The God I Knew

2008-05-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

I bounce back and forth between being angry and desiring with all my heart to forgive and loose all the fears and problems I have been holding so tightly to. What am I holding onto anyway? What is it that brings me home each day more hopeless than the day before? Is it my frustration with my work environment? maybe Is it my financial situation? likely Is it all this hurt and pain and anger I keep reliving and dwelling on because I just don't understand so many things in my life right now? Hmmmm..... I think I am onto something. When I don't understand something my first instinct is to question it until I am blue in the face. A lot of times that leads to understanding, but that is with homework, papers, relationships, and problems, but what about with actual people, and an actual God? What do I do when I do not understand or even want to understand some of the terribly hard actions and painful events that take place in my life? I have no logic that can explain these things, and I am the queen of logic! I have no understanding within me that says that all this pain and trouble lines up with the character of God. Maybe that is why I am so hurt, I feel like the God I knew, is no longer the God I see before me. Why would my God let me go through so much with not the slightest relief in sight? Why would he allow others decisions to so alter me that I am left utterly broken and wondering if I am capable of loving or helping anyone, including myself. Maybe its because I am utterly incapable of helping anyone, including myself, without God, which I have been trying to do for so long. Maybe its because we need to be able to help break each other, its what reminds us that we need to stay moldable, that way, the breaking is more rare. We are supposed to be clay in the potters hand, even when the Potter looks totally different than we expected, but how do we do that? I realize now, I have been as hard as cement, which made for some tough molding. No wonder God needed to take such drastic actions to move my stubborn heart. No, I did not deserve the pain inflicted on me by others, that I am still trying to work out. The only thing I can think of with that is that what others meant for harm God will turn into a beautiful testimony for women who have been through the same things. But, the other things, were God using one of the worst seasons of my life to prepare me to serve him. He desires me to be totally dependant on him, I am still trying to figure out why all the pain was necessary to make that point, if anyone has that one figured out, please let me know!!?

I am angry....

2008-04-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like I cannot remember the last time I was not angry. I am so tired of believing that God will deliver me from this terrible job only to be left disappointed. Why would he leave me here to be in the same place I was assaulted in? The same place that leaves me with no time to spend with my husband or family? The same place that makes me work most nights? The same place that takes my Sundays? The same place that makes it near impossible to pay the bills? The same place that all I want is to be free from? It makes no sense to me! I need help understanding this, and instead all I am left with is anger. I am so hurt, and I hear that there is something I am supposed to learn, to grasp, to hear, and if only I would just get that, I would be able to move on. I have nothing left and I'm tired of advice. If there is something I have missed and am supposed to get, would someone please tell me?! I have never been so disappointed in the Lord, and I know we are not supposed to say that, but I truly feel like this. Where is he?

The Ugly Side of Cosmetics

2008-04-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

I work day in and day out at a cosmetics counter. The expectation to be perfect and look perfect is overwhelming and some days are harder than others. Today was a hard day. I was unable to wear much makeup due to my sunburn and when I left the house I felt pretty good about how I looked. But, when I got to work I got quite a few comments about how I needed more makeup, a better tan, a skinnier body and a number of other small comments that take place all the time when your profession is based on your appearance. The girls didn't mean to hurt my feelings they are just used to the kind of beauty that comes from relentless, painstaking work spent on the superficial. When someone does not always put in this kind of effort that is considered essential, it seems foreign to them. So, I came home brokenhearted and feeling ugly. Yet, it occurs to me that nothing about who I am on the outside changes the beauty that God has placed within me. When all the working out, sunless tanner, makeup, manicures, pedicures, hair-dye, tight clothes, plastic surgeries and wrinkle fighting creams are stripped away all that is left is more than enough. Yes, my heart still hurts, it hurts a great deal, but the identity I have in Christ is what defines me. To be defined by the opinions and expectations of others would be to do God and my husband a great disservice. For they both think I am absolutely beautiful, and rejoice over me, and their opinions are the only ones that matter in the end.

The Life Raft

2008-04-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning early, really early, on my day off. Normally that would frustrate me, but not today. It was like Christmas, I did not sleep well, I tossed and turned all night, and all because I was finally getting a day with David! I was so sad though, because he ended up having to spend a couple of hours that we were supposed to use sitting by the pool to do his paper. So, I sat there in the warm water with nothing but nature to distract me, and that was when I finally heard God speak to my heart. He has longed for me to get excited about spending time with him, to yearn for him, to stop being angry and just sit with him for so long, and now I had no choice. I just drifted in the pool trying not to think of all the homework I should be doing and then my mind was finally clear, and I realized how long it had been since I had felt clear. My heart had been broken and muddy for so long and now in the silence of a beautiful day I see how easy it would be to hear him if only I would let him move me in the direction he wanted me to go. I had been so busy fighting the current of my life for so long that when I finally let go and give him the reigns it would figure it would happen literally and figuratively. I was laying on the raft being floated in the pool not pushing hard, just hoping to float into direct sunlight, and had I tried to do it myself I would end up chasing the sunlight in circles around the pool, totally exhauated. Yet, when I laid there praying and allowed my mind, soul, and spirit to let go the sun stayed on my and when it left it was never for very long. Today was the most relaxing day I havd had in close to a year. All thanks to God's intentional warmth, sunlight, and freedom to love and be loved. I did end up having an incredible day with David too, we talked for hours about God in that pool floating around together, feeling closer than we had in months.

Being Broken

2008-04-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

I always knew that when those that loved me, and had gone before me, said married life would be hard they were wrong. We were both right, its even harder than I could have ever imagined. But, not in the way I feared. You see I was always afraid that once I got married that being in love would somehow dissapear as it had for my parents and so many people I know. But that was not the case, it was all the attacks that come from the enemy that make for such a hard time. I have never loved anyone the way I love my David. I fall more in love with him each and every single day. In fact, when I think about being married, I am filled with such a peace and joy that I could never describe in words. It is only because I listened to God when deciding who to marry that I am able to speak with such certianty now when I say, no matter how much pain our first year has held, I would not trade a minute that I have spent with God's greatest gift to me, my husband. Our first year seems to have been filled with one attach after another, often leaving us to wonder what we had done wrong. We have spent so much time crying, pleading, yelling and praying together, that though I thought I would never stop being angry with God, it seems he has only left me with wide-eyed wonder at his mercy and grace. I have spent many a night crying into my pillow curled up on the floor only to discover that it was more than me and my husband there. God was actually holding us, he had to, many times there was no way for us to go on, there was none of our strength left. Now, being as broken as I am, I can only sense the Lord's presence and his peace. I guess that is what it means to be beautifully broken.